The Trap of External Validation: How to Find Your True Self Without Seeking Approval

In recent times, I have been seeking external validation, and that's making my life a little difficult in terms of what I am doing at the moment. I am sometimes too nice, sometimes way too nice to people, saying things about them. Now that I was thinking about it, I realized the reason I am way too nice to some people is because I want them, deep down, to like me. I can't give you the exact incident, but it's something work-related where I want everyone to like me. Now, I am not saying that there’s anything wrong with having that kind of approach and having someone validate you, but doing everything so that you get their validation is totally wrong. Doing things for what they are is more important than anything else, not for the fact that it will make you likable or will make you feel better. I feel that's wrong to think of.

So, I decided to grab some quotes from the internet to help you realize why validation is not something you should seek.

1. Freeing yourself: When we stop seeking external validation, we become free and true to ourselves. We can finally discover what is important to us and build the life we are content with. Now, that's a very true thought. Think about it: let's say you have the desire to get external male or female validation, depending on your situation, or maybe you want validation from your boss at the workplace, or perhaps from your friends to say that you are good-looking or whatever it is that you are seeking validation for. You will always do things because of the need to be validated. You wouldn't have a true purpose, and you will keep seeking pleasure rather than honing your skills and having a purpose. You would get deflected by certain people, whether by their praise or their criticism. Moreover, the truth is, you will just be a dog chasing its own tail. You would never really get true validation. You would not be free, but be trapped in this desire to be liked. In fact, to be liked, you need to let go of the desire to be liked. That's what I personally understand. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad. I am not saying be disrespectful or abuse people. I am saying do things for their own good, and let the validation be a worldly thing. If someone validates you, great; if someone doesn't, that's also great.

2. No need to prove anything to anyone: Remember in this world, people will reject you, humiliate you, devalue you, they will put you down, but remember one thing, you don't need anyone or anything to approve of your worth. Once we understand and truly grasp this, it will be impossible to shake you as a human being. You know, you have nothing to prove to this world, and you will find something really wonderful within you yourself. There's no need to go out and seek the validation. For an example, these days kids seek a lot of validation on social media. This makes them addicted, makes them feel confident when they get lots of likes, but that means it can also make you feel depressed and disappointed if you don't get enough likes. So stop wanting approval and needing likes. If you want to post, just post and don't care about the likes at all. That's being free of the trap of social media. By having 1000 likes, you don't have to prove to the world that look I am very beautiful or handsome, if you are, you are, and if you are not, you are not. True beauty is always in the eyes of the beholder but the likes you see are shallow and it's got no depth attached to it. 

3. Robs you of joy:  Sometimes in the pursuit of acceptance we start feeling like the joy that we want to live our life sits somewhere outside. In the pursuit and in the chase. This thought gives rise to insecurities within yourself and you will leave the idea of self acceptance behind. Firstly, inorder to truly be accepted, one has to accept oneself truly. Knowing that true happiness is within is the secret to happiness and not the other way around. Having an instagram post and getting a few likes might make you happy in your transient state, but it won't make you truly happy from within. But having a family, taking care of your family, earning money and providing value to the world, that will make you happier. But all of this should start from a place of internal validation. Accept your good points and also your bad points because no one in the world knows you better than you ! The world will keep changing its standards of acceptance, but that means you will keep chasing, so seek happiness within yourself. In fact in my experience, if you let go of the need to be validated externally, the internal acceptance comes very naturally. It's not more about looking inwards, it's more about making sure you don't look outwards for acceptance. It's more about not letting others opinions fluctuate your own internal self worth. The more you chase acceptance, the further you go from self acceptance. 

4. Love yourself first: This idea of loving yourself first is much bigger than what we think it is. By loving yourself first and unconditionally, you start to understand that the only validation you need is from yourself. You stop comparing yourself with others, I am not saying you stop working to get better, but the only competition you have is with yourself. The person that you were before, the current version should be better than that. When you love yourself first, you also attract healthier relationships, heal your past trauma, embrace imperfections, improve your mental and emotional health, and more importantly you live with authentically and that's powerful. Truly knowing your values, and understanding who you are deeply as a human being helps you to navigate the challenges of life. If being kind is a value, you will be kind even on the worst of your days because you have been kind with yourself. You are self compassionate and that's why you are compassionate towards the world as well. So in my opinion, loving yourself also comes more easily when you stop seeking external validation. There's a strong correlation with accepting your flaws, irrespective of how good or bad they are, once you accept those flaws only then you can overcome them. So love yourself first, embrace who you are with your imperfections and that's the only way to be free. 

So what are the action steps for us so that we stop needing validation from others?

1. Understand yourself: First of all understand that it's very natural to feel the need of approval. In fact as a survival mechanism, our body tends to feel this need of wanting approval. So occasionally if you find yourself seeking approval, don't beat yourself up. In order to truly be self aware, make a list of the values that you hold, know yourself well enough. If you find the values of respect, courage, sincerity, kindness, etc important write down what you value as a human being. 

2. Build Self Confidence: Self confidence does not come through affirmations and saying I'm confident everyday in the morning. But true self confidence comes through work. Set some personal goals, develop new skills and journal your progress as you are on the journey. 

3. Redefine Success: We make success very external, for example, scoring 90% in 10th boards is success, getting an X amount of salary is success, winning a tournament is success, yes, it's true that all of it success, but the real question is how does that success make you feel? Does it make you feel important and happier? Does it make you grow as a human being? Does it contribute to the lives of others ? All of these are important definitions that you should know about success. 

4. Let go of comparisons and create a supportive and positive environment: The truth is a lot of your friends are envious of you, a lot of the world does not want you to succeed more than them, but one has to recognise what environment you are in and then create a positive environment in that team. Don't try to beat someone else, rather think how can you win the game. It's the same thought but with a positive connotation attached to it. 

Most importantly, remember the idea is not to get external validation, but to feel growth and knowing that validation within will give you everything else that's external. Being truly accepting and at peace with yourself will give you more clarity on why you wish to do what you wish to do.